i don't trust magic. i love and enjoy watching magician doing magic tricks, but i always have this thought that those tricks are learnable and whoever can do that if they know how. so, nothing goes ziiip! just like that. everything has a trick, a way, a process; and we just have to figure out how. but the nite before last nite, some magic stroke me. it felt like some kinda brainwash perhaps? i was like being hypnotized, given some kinda suggestion? i dunno. but it surely is a magic.
so it started when i found this blog again. and as i read the titles, what's inside, i was being swept back to the past. those cruel past-life, as i might say it. hahaa! things i can recall, pains, etc etc just bursted outta nowhere. and like always, my chest felt hurt. darn! you don't wanna know how hurt that is, but i think i know what's harry potter going through when dementor attack him. you feel so weak, helpless and hopeless. yet no matter how many times this thing attack you, it doesn't getting weaker, i tell you. many times i believe it even getting stronger. and there's nothing you can do except "enjoying the show". even pinching yourself, or squeezing your arms real hard doesn't remove the pain from your chest. so yes, abruptly it happened like that. and as i was buying my time, just waited until the pain disappear, i heard this magic voice..
when you listen to lite fm 105.8, maybe you are familiar with ade maulana and his "serene quotation". and there i was lying on my bed, closing my eyes, feeling the pain, while listening to him talking about praying to God, asking God to keep us away from grief and sorrow. he said it has something to do with what you want to have. a wish. and that must be relieved. released and let go. as long as you're still long for it, you'll keep the sadness within you. and at that exact moment i said to myself "i don't want any of those past anymore". and to my surprise, the pain disappeared! it's unbelievable. i dunno how to explain, but i felt like it was lifted from my body. my chest felt so relieved. i was feeling at ease. i could breath easily once more. alhamdulillah.
it was hard to believe. in the next morning i still could not believe of what happened that nite. but when i saw the pictures, names, and everything that have something to do with this whole thing in the past, and i feel numb, that time i know - i'm healed. it's all gone. the torturing pain, sayonara..
and of course you can absorb morale of the story of every experience happening to you, so this one is:
you DO need perspective from other people. when you see things in your own way, with your own point of view, you might get lost in it. and you could get stuck in this turbulence you create yourself. i felt hurt because i believed these people lied to me. i hate people lie to me. tell me the worst thing, but don't lie to me. and don't promise me if at the end it only ended up as a lie. then i believe the only thing i can get outta any of these is by forgetting and forgiving. every time i know i can still recall the past, the more i get angry and ends up feeling sad. because i know i still remember it, and that means i still can't forgive of what happened. and i started to blame myself for everything. so this i believe that's been wedged me and locked me inside this sadness. arousing my anger and grief of being lied at. ages i'd been fighting this feeling. forgiving others, myself, as to forget the whole thing. but i guess i failed. coz everytime the memory strike back, i feel helpless once again. but that nite, thanks to ade maulana, i found out that the key is to NOT WANT IT ANYMORE. not wanting these people. not wanting him. not wanting every promise to be paid. not wanting anything anymore from all those past. i released them all. i let them go. and that becomes my expecto patronum. i killed those dementors. i killed my pain. and if i still can recall of what happened in the past, it's simply because i have a great brain memory. yet, i don't want any of all those past anymore anyway. i've given them up :)
note: lite fm 105.8 used to be known as ramako MAGIC. :)
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